Moviegoing

Scary movies aren't scary anymore. They're not scary because we've seen it all. The oldest movie scares were ghosts, then that bastard Casper got all cutesy and ruined that for all the perfectly malicious ghosts. Then we moved on to the traditional monsters. Dracula, Wolfman, Frankenstein's Monster. Mel Brooks made possibly one of my favorite comedies of all time, but in the process ensured that I can't help but laugh every time I look at an animated corpse with neck bolts. You can thank Twilight and True Blood for gaying up the other guys.
Zombies. Zombies are still kinda scary I suppose, but check this. Ever notice that zombie movies apparently take place in an alternate universe with no zombie movies? They have to, because I swear to hell, the first time I see someone shambling at me with a speech impediment and a skin condition; Fuck it, I'm out. Shoot for the head? You got it. My own head. I don't stand a chance in a zombie apocalypse. I'm a walking Golden Corral buffet to zombies.
So with conventional scaries not getting the job done anymore, they had to ratchet back on the supernatural (except Japan, but those guys are screwed up on a whole different level). So then serial killers and pedophiles became the new monsters. But since the evening news is loaded with that shit anyway, we even got inured to them.
Next up, disasters are the order of the day. A meteor's gonna hit the Earth! Or a volcano's going to pop up in the center of Los Angeles! Or a multinational energy conglomerate will through their own negligence and disregard for safety will cause millions of gallons of oil to flood into the waters of the gulf of mexi.... wait. That was the news too.
So it seems the magic may be gone. Perhaps we've already run through all the permutations of scary movies. There's only one option left. The only way a horror movie should scare you in this day and age would be if you sat down in the theatre with your six dollar popcorn and your smuggled bottle of pineapple soda (or a flask of grain alcohol in my case, because nothing makes bad special effects and stilted dialog tolerable like being blitzed out of your gourd).
Anyway.
You sit down and put on your 3D glasses that you paid an extra five damn dollars for for some fucking reason.
(I hate 3D movies. They can't make good 2D movies anymore. Let's focus on the dimensions we already had! Let's master that shit before we add 33% more dimensions to the equation. Actually, no, I can't wait for 4D movies because then you can watch it before you go see it and be disappointed before it has a chance to let you down. Then there's the rare case that the movie's good so you know you liked it before you spend your money to see it. Now, you may ask, if you already enjoyed it, why would you still pay to go see it? Because you have to go see it in order to have pre-enjoyed it. Future Perfect tense has a way of smacking you around like that.)
Anyway. 3D glasses are on and you finish seeing the trailers for Twilight 6: Jake and Ed's Bogus Journey and THEN Twilight 7: Werewolves Do It Doggystyle, the movie is just 147 minutes of Gary Busey having eerily tender sex with your dad in the car you rode to the theatre in while he stares into the camera and whispers your name over and over again.
You try going to sleep after that. You won't even want to leave the theatre.

And that shit will win the Oscar.

Potentially Offensive Christmas Joke

Isn't it WAY more likely that someone just slipped the "Virgin Mary" a roofie?

Look Before You Leap

Wanna have an afternoon of fun? Start acting really weird and try to convince someone that you're Scott Bakula trapped in the wrong body.