My take on the VGA's (get out the Kevlar)

Every year Spike TV does their Video Game Awards, which to me is like someone like me choosing the winners for the VH1 Hip Hop Honors or the ESPN awards. I'm not qualified, and apparently neither are they. I know the VGA's use a panel of gaming journalists ranging from Magazine editors (Game Informer) to bloggers (Giant Bomb's Jeff Gerstmann), to various other industry types, but somewhere along the way Spike's MMA and Maxim fueled alpha-bros must take over because there is some serious idiocy going on in this list of winners. Like anyone's shocked by that.

So without further ado, here's COBRASHARK's eviceration of the Spike TV Video Game Awards for the year of our Thor 2009.

Game of the Year: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves-I pretty much can't argue with this.Uncharted totally deserves this (although I would have said Borderlands or Batman).Not a good start to an eviceration, I must say...

Studio of the Year: Rocksteady Studios-How can a studio who did not produce the game of the year win Studio of the Year. I honestly don't get it. I'm totally happy for them, as they made Batman: Arkham Asylum, and the strength of that game alone won them this award. BUT I still don't get how they won it, at least without Batman winning Game of the Year (which it arguably should have.). Incidentally typing a long, hopefully well thought out blog after a few Jack and Cokes is HARD.

Best Shooter: Modern Warfare 2-No surprise here, except that Spike didn't cave to Activision's mighty, evil will and give this GOTY. Fuck you, Bobby Kotick. I had to get that in somewhere.There really isn't a straight up shooter that deserves this more this year, Congrats Infinity Ward. (Especially Justin Harris for doing an amazing job in the QA, there's not a bug on that game!)

Best RPG: Dragon Age Origins-I can't complain about this too much, although being a shooter/RPG hybrid Borderlands got robbed in two catagories. DA:O is incredibly good, and luckily for it Final Fantasy XIII and Mass Effect 2 come out next year.

Best Fighting Game: Street Fighter IV-Way to not fuck this up, Spike. If Tekken 6 or some other trash won this I'd be laughing my ass off at your ineptitude. Street Fighter IV wins everything in my book.

Best Action Adventure Game: Assassin's Creed II-gotta say I liked AC2. But again, this should be Batman's award. AC2 still has too many of AC1's problems to earn this award, and the graphics can be atrocious in spots.

Best "Individual" Sports Game: UFC 2009: This is what happens when Dana White (head of UFC) throws a temper tantrum. That game was garbage in every single way, but since UFC is so popular with the frats (who watch nothing but Spike and gay porn), it won over the more deserving Fight Night Round 4 or Tiger Woods 10. Suck it, MMA.

Best Handheld Game: Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars-being that these awards where conducted in the house that douche built, I couldn't see this going any other way. There were many more handheld games released in 2009 that should have won this in any catagory. Like say, Little Big Planet PSP. I actually thought Chinatown Wars kind of sucked, thanks to the technical limitations of the DS and the gimmicky touch controls, but hey Spike, I don't wear tapout gear, so what do I know.

Best Graphics; Uncharted 2: Among Thieves-Again, much respect to Naughty Dog and Uncharted 2, they totally deserved this one. That game is a beast in every way.

Best Music Game: The Beatles Rock Band-Oh please, like this was gonna go any other way. Guitar Hero sucks ass, so do Band Hero and that lameass DJ Hero (has there ever been a more pointless game?). Hey Neversoft: Harmonix just showed you how to do a band specific music game tastefully and respectfully. Take note.

Best Driving Game: Forza 3-Can't argue here, but seriously, it was up against Need For Speed: Shift. That's like winning a footrace against a one legged hunchback.

Best Team Sports: NHL 2010-Glad Madden didn't get it, but sort of shocked that FIFA 10 got left out in the cold on this one. Everyone says it's Game of the Year material, and I'm inclined to believe it.

Best Soundtrack: DJ Hero-FUCKING SERIOUSLY. a bunch of lazy ass mashups of crap ass pop songs in a DJ music game beat the well crafted, carefully chosen, and very appropriate BRUTAL LEGEND soundtrack?!?!? Fuck you with a chainsaw, Spike TV. I get that classic metal isn't the thing right now with the Affliction wearing, Rob Dyrdeck obsessed masses, but seriously, a world where Brutal Legend, a game that is basically filled to the brim with love of music, loses out to a quick cash grab attempt to make hip hop fans feel invited to the music game party is a world full of dickheads. So thanks.

Best Xbox 360 Game: Left 4 Dead 2-While personally don't like L4D (or valve software for that matter), I can see why this won. There were no other 360 exclusives that could come close. Yeah, like ODST was gonna win anything.

Best Wii Game: New Super Mario Bros-Well of course. It was the only Wii game this year besides Muramasa that wasn't a bag of ass, and most people at Spike couldn't pronounce Muramasa much less know what it is, so SMB wins by default. Congrats on remaking the same damn game again, Nintendo.

Best PS3 Game: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves-ONCE AGAIN, no surprise and this was well deserved. Naughty Dog is on a roll.

Best PC Game: Dragon Age: Origins- Not a lot of competition here, and I'm pretty sure all people on PC do is play WoW and bitch about dedicated servers, but congrats anyway!

Best Original Score: Halo 3:ODST- Makes sense, Halo always has awesome music.

Best Multiplayer Game: Modern Warfare 2- No shocker here, but once again, Borderlands was ROBBED. Modern Warfare 2's MP is great and all, but it's basically just MW1's (love how that's what it's called now instead of Call of Duty 4. It's like we're ignoring the WWII ones, as we should) over again. Borderlands is something new and something special. But it doesn't let you totally pwn n00bz so why would anyone at Spike care??

Best Game Based on a TV Show Or Movie: This catagory should not exist.

Best Cast; X-Men Origin: Wolverine- REALLY. Sooo.....the shitty God of War rip off with only one person from the film phoning in a lame "I don't care" performance beats Batman: Arkham Asylum, in which the entire voice cast from the 90's animated series, considered by some to be the definitive performances of those characters, returns to knock it out of the fucking park and Uncharted 2, which could damn near BE a movie itself. Go fuck yourself, Spike. That's bullshit. How much did Fox and Activision pay you for that one?

Best Performance By a Human Male: Hugh Jackman as Logan, X-Men Origins: Wolverine-As this does not say "Mark Hamill (The Joker), Batman: Arkham Asylum or Nolan North (Nathan Drake; Uncharted 2: Among Thieves,", we'll just repeat what I said above. Although I would like to add that Spike, Activision and Fox can SUCK IT. Seriously, Uncharted and Batman had WAAAAAY better voice work than Wolverine in every category. this is a serious rip off. Mark Hamill should have won this, hands down. Not only was his Joker performance the best voice in a game this year , it was his best performance as The Joker to date (Mask of the Phantasm not withstanding)

Best Performance by a Human Female: Megan Fox and Mikaela Banes, Transformers 2- Not only is this the only acting award Megan Fox or the Transformers series will ever win, it's a serious insult to any of the voice actresses in Batman, Uncharted, Dragon Age, Assassin's Creed, or any other well designed and acted game to come out in 2009. Hell, even Street Fighter IV has better voice acting than Megan Fox did in that stupid TF game, and all those chick do is grunt and yell the names of their special moves. I'd like to submit Kristen Bell from Assassin's Creed 2, Arleen Sorkin from Batman: Arkham Asylum and Emily Rose from Uncharted 2 as people who deserve a shot at beating Megan Fox's ass. Pretty sure the reason they all lost to her is that they don't look like strippers.

Best Voice: Jack Black as Eddie Riggs in Brutal Legend: The Metal Gods are pleased with this.

Best Downloadable Game: Shadow Complex- Of course. When you mix Metroid and Metal Gear you should win everything. Not even kidding, congrats to Chair for this win.

Best Comedy Game: Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard-As a Will Arnett and NPH fan (they voice the two main characters) I'm totally fine with this one one hand. On the other hand, it was a shit game that shouln't win any "Best" awards. And Brutal Legend was better and funnier.

Best DLC: Grand Theft Auto: The Ballad of Gay Tony-eh, I can give them this one too, but I think the Fallout Expansions were DLC for a better game, so shouldn't that count for something?

Best Independent Game FUELED BY DEW!!!!(gotta love Spike TV's dedication to the extreme sports crowd): FLOWer-huh? Not even the overly pretentions BRAID for this one??

Most Anticipated Game: God of War III-I can get behind this one. God of War rules.

All in all, a lot of stuff I could agree with, but the things I see as mistakes were not only huge but incredibly insulting in some cases and inconsistent over all. Once again, the VGA's fail to make an impact or gain any credibillty whatsoever. Spike, just let this show tap out, bruh.