Scary movies aren't scary anymore. They're not scary because we've seen it all. The oldest movie scares were ghosts, then that bastard Casper got all cutesy and ruined that for all the perfectly malicious ghosts. Then we moved on to the traditional monsters. Dracula, Wolfman, Frankenstein's Monster. Mel Brooks made possibly one of my favorite comedies of all time, but in the process ensured that I can't help but laugh every time I look at an animated corpse with neck bolts. You can thank Twilight and True Blood for gaying up the other guys.
Zombies. Zombies are still kinda scary I suppose, but check this. Ever notice that zombie movies apparently take place in an alternate universe with no zombie movies? They have to, because I swear to hell, the first time I see someone shambling at me with a speech impediment and a skin condition; Fuck it, I'm out. Shoot for the head? You got it. My own head. I don't stand a chance in a zombie apocalypse. I'm a walking Golden Corral buffet to zombies.
So with conventional scaries not getting the job done anymore, they had to ratchet back on the supernatural (except Japan, but those guys are screwed up on a whole different level). So then serial killers and pedophiles became the new monsters. But since the evening news is loaded with that shit anyway, we even got inured to them.
Next up, disasters are the order of the day. A meteor's gonna hit the Earth! Or a volcano's going to pop up in the center of Los Angeles! Or a multinational energy conglomerate will through their own negligence and disregard for safety will cause millions of gallons of oil to flood into the waters of the gulf of mexi.... wait. That was the news too.
So it seems the magic may be gone. Perhaps we've already run through all the permutations of scary movies. There's only one option left. The only way a horror movie should scare you in this day and age would be if you sat down in the theatre with your six dollar popcorn and your smuggled bottle of pineapple soda (or a flask of grain alcohol in my case, because nothing makes bad special effects and stilted dialog tolerable like being blitzed out of your gourd).
Anyway.
You sit down and put on your 3D glasses that you paid an extra five damn dollars for for some fucking reason.
(I hate 3D movies. They can't make good 2D movies anymore. Let's focus on the dimensions we already had! Let's master that shit before we add 33% more dimensions to the equation. Actually, no, I can't wait for 4D movies because then you can watch it before you go see it and be disappointed before it has a chance to let you down. Then there's the rare case that the movie's good so you know you liked it before you spend your money to see it. Now, you may ask, if you already enjoyed it, why would you still pay to go see it? Because you have to go see it in order to have pre-enjoyed it. Future Perfect tense has a way of smacking you around like that.)
Anyway. 3D glasses are on and you finish seeing the trailers for Twilight 6: Jake and Ed's Bogus Journey and THEN Twilight 7: Werewolves Do It Doggystyle, the movie is just 147 minutes of Gary Busey having eerily tender sex with your dad in the car you rode to the theatre in while he stares into the camera and whispers your name over and over again.
You try going to sleep after that. You won't even want to leave the theatre.
And that shit will win the Oscar.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Potentially Offensive Christmas Joke
Isn't it WAY more likely that someone just slipped the "Virgin Mary" a roofie?
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Look Before You Leap
Wanna have an afternoon of fun? Start acting really weird and try to convince someone that you're Scott Bakula trapped in the wrong body.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Way to go, Hollywood.
So here I see on IMDB that Mark Wahlberg is officially starring in the Uncharted movie. You should already know that because that says "Mark Wahlberg" and not "Nathan Fillion" this is not going to be nice.
If you've ever watched Firefly and played Uncharted, you know this would be perfect. If you haven't done either of those things, go do them both now.
Fillion is basically already Drake, and I think it's really short sighted for Sony to not at least give him a look. I really like Mark Wahlberg as an actor and I'm sure he'll do a decent enough job, but this just reeks of marketing. Wahlberg's a name and all, but that's not what this needs. We don't need to see Mark Wahlberg dressed in a Nathan Drake costume. We need to see Nathan Drake.
My Funeral: It's Everywhere You Want to Be.
I think funerals would be a lot easier to pay for/plan if they cancelled your credit cards a week AFTER you died.
I can only imagine my funeral if Visa was footing the bill. Burial at sea? Eff that, burial at at SPACE. Tony Curtis and the Robert Palmer girls put on a kick ass magic/slapstick comedy show culminating in a rocket shaped like an X-Wing blasting my paper-mache'd corpse off on a collision course with the supermassive black hole at the center of the galaxy.
Hey man, I worked myself to death trying to pay the seventy thousand dollar interest on a fifteen hundred dollar laptop, so the least you guys can do is pay to dig a hole through the center of the Earth and launch my bloated dead ass down it so fast that I pop back out the other side when gravity does its thing. People can even take best on how many times I pop up out either side before I finally settle in the core.
I can only imagine my funeral if Visa was footing the bill. Burial at sea? Eff that, burial at at SPACE. Tony Curtis and the Robert Palmer girls put on a kick ass magic/slapstick comedy show culminating in a rocket shaped like an X-Wing blasting my paper-mache'd corpse off on a collision course with the supermassive black hole at the center of the galaxy.
Hey man, I worked myself to death trying to pay the seventy thousand dollar interest on a fifteen hundred dollar laptop, so the least you guys can do is pay to dig a hole through the center of the Earth and launch my bloated dead ass down it so fast that I pop back out the other side when gravity does its thing. People can even take best on how many times I pop up out either side before I finally settle in the core.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Ten Videogame Villains You Love to Love
Excellent point, Clifton! There's definitely a need to identify with the character in a game. Anyone ever roll a character in Mass Effect, KoToR, or any other RPG with "moral" choices and have to reload because you aren't okay with the consequences of something you did? It's because you don't like the character anymore. You definitely don't want to play as someone you don't like.
So in that spirit, here's a list of ten bad guys you love to be.
10. Kratos: God of War I, II, and Chains of Olympus.
He's not a good guy. He's ruthless. He's badass. He used to be awesome. He's low on the list because I honestly stopped liking him in God of War III. He turned from avenger to asshole. And any chance of redemption was dashed by the end of the game. Still, love those blades.
9. Niko Bellic: Grand Theft Auto IV.
Illegal Alien, murderer, car thief. Nico's list of offenses is as long as the game. But he's a mass murderer with a heart of gold, and you can't help but love the guy as his world of ridiculous characters unravels around him. Much more human than the Tony Montana rip-off Tommy Vercetti.
8. Agent 47: Hitman Series. Cold, efficient, brutal. 47 can snipe your armed guards, dose your bodyman with a silent syringe, then garrote you with filament wire, then go have a cup of tea at the bistro down the street. He's got a kickass arsenal and a hundred tricks. But his enemies are always deserving and his cause just.
7. Bowser: Super Mario Brothers. The Godfather of videogame nemeses, the Koopa King is always a blast to play. He's made the evolution over the years from wicked mastermind to hilarious foil. His antics in "Bowser's Inside Story" were hilarious and entertaining. Plus, dude breathes fire.
6. Starscream: Transformers. Sure, Megatron is the leader of the Decepticons and all around bad dude, but in the 80s series, Starscream's ideas were always better than Megatron's. They always went with Megatron's plans and failed, but if they had listened to Starscream... In the recent "War for Cybertron" Starscream is fast and lethal, and in my opinion much more satisfying to play as then his cannon-wielding boss.
5. Sagat: Street Fighter. He's been around since the beginning. Before Bison, before Bison, before Doctor Manhat... Seth. Sagat's motivation has always been to prove once more that he's better than Ryu. He's huge, scarred, overpowered, and terrifying. I may be awful at playing as Sagat, but his motivation is simple and human. Be the best.
4. Kain: Legacy of Kain series. I played Soul Reaver before Blood Omen, so my first introduction to Kain was as nemesis. He's an ancient vampire lord, time traveler, and divinely chosen guardian of balance of his entire world. Given the choice to die and potentially save his world or live on and damn it to decay and evil, Kain chose to hang around a few thousand more years, just to see what happened. Calculating, manipulative, and genius are only a few of his attributes, and his plan to save his world spanned 10 thousand years and eventually wrapped all the way back around to the beginning. If that's not enough, this guy's a vampire who can drink your blood from ACROSS THE STREET. Badass.
3. Big Boss: Metal Gear series. Naked Snake, Jack, Big Boss. Big Boss had an illustrious career starting with preventing all out nuclear war between the US and Russia in the late 60s. His first mission was to hunt down and neutralize his mentor and the woman he loved. Over the next fifty years he would orchestrate wars, uprisings, terrorism, and even try to kill his own son. Even after his apparent death, he worked behind the scenes to steer the world to its breaking point, playing the role of the country's greatest traitor to eventually expose the truth of the greatest global conspiracy ever seen. His road to hell was paved with the best of intentions, but also the bodies of millions.
2. The Joker. DC Comics. The Clown Prince of Crime has a sick charisma that no fan can resist. He's a raving lunatic, or is he? Genius or Madman or both, the Joker has been on more top villains lists than just about anyone. He's funny, terrifying, alluring and repulsive. And the last few years have seen his most dramatic reinventions yet. The Dark Knight showed us the darkest, most terrifying version ever to grace the screen. Arkham Asylum gave us the sinister voice in the back of our heads, spinning little webs of doubt and at one point, even putting a bullet in our skulls. The Joker challenge maps on PS3 were challenging and suitably vicious, satisfying a longtime desire to don the purple suit ourselves. Then in Lego Batman, he was made of Lego! Automatic win. Being a lego villain means you've REALLY made it. Speaking of...
1. Darth Vader: Star Wars. Whatever you know about my movie predilections, there is no denying that Vader is the ultimate badass. I don't need to use this space to convince you. You already knew who this was going to be. He's awesome in Lego, sure. And yeah, you could play as Anakin in several games over the last few years. But all that was just the appetizer to the opening level of Star Wars: The Force Unleashed.
Say what you will about the game, you cannot complain about the first level. The man stalks coolly amid the treetop village on Kashyyyk, flinging Wookiees into the distance. The low, ominous drone that resonates in every nerd's head for their entire life fills your speakers as you march, emotionless, to the lair of your quarry. It's 20 minutes of dream come true. We need more games where you get to play as Vader.
So in that spirit, here's a list of ten bad guys you love to be.
10. Kratos: God of War I, II, and Chains of Olympus.
He's not a good guy. He's ruthless. He's badass. He used to be awesome. He's low on the list because I honestly stopped liking him in God of War III. He turned from avenger to asshole. And any chance of redemption was dashed by the end of the game. Still, love those blades.
9. Niko Bellic: Grand Theft Auto IV.
Illegal Alien, murderer, car thief. Nico's list of offenses is as long as the game. But he's a mass murderer with a heart of gold, and you can't help but love the guy as his world of ridiculous characters unravels around him. Much more human than the Tony Montana rip-off Tommy Vercetti.
8. Agent 47: Hitman Series. Cold, efficient, brutal. 47 can snipe your armed guards, dose your bodyman with a silent syringe, then garrote you with filament wire, then go have a cup of tea at the bistro down the street. He's got a kickass arsenal and a hundred tricks. But his enemies are always deserving and his cause just.
7. Bowser: Super Mario Brothers. The Godfather of videogame nemeses, the Koopa King is always a blast to play. He's made the evolution over the years from wicked mastermind to hilarious foil. His antics in "Bowser's Inside Story" were hilarious and entertaining. Plus, dude breathes fire.
6. Starscream: Transformers. Sure, Megatron is the leader of the Decepticons and all around bad dude, but in the 80s series, Starscream's ideas were always better than Megatron's. They always went with Megatron's plans and failed, but if they had listened to Starscream... In the recent "War for Cybertron" Starscream is fast and lethal, and in my opinion much more satisfying to play as then his cannon-wielding boss.
5. Sagat: Street Fighter. He's been around since the beginning. Before Bison, before Bison, before Doctor Manhat... Seth. Sagat's motivation has always been to prove once more that he's better than Ryu. He's huge, scarred, overpowered, and terrifying. I may be awful at playing as Sagat, but his motivation is simple and human. Be the best.
4. Kain: Legacy of Kain series. I played Soul Reaver before Blood Omen, so my first introduction to Kain was as nemesis. He's an ancient vampire lord, time traveler, and divinely chosen guardian of balance of his entire world. Given the choice to die and potentially save his world or live on and damn it to decay and evil, Kain chose to hang around a few thousand more years, just to see what happened. Calculating, manipulative, and genius are only a few of his attributes, and his plan to save his world spanned 10 thousand years and eventually wrapped all the way back around to the beginning. If that's not enough, this guy's a vampire who can drink your blood from ACROSS THE STREET. Badass.
3. Big Boss: Metal Gear series. Naked Snake, Jack, Big Boss. Big Boss had an illustrious career starting with preventing all out nuclear war between the US and Russia in the late 60s. His first mission was to hunt down and neutralize his mentor and the woman he loved. Over the next fifty years he would orchestrate wars, uprisings, terrorism, and even try to kill his own son. Even after his apparent death, he worked behind the scenes to steer the world to its breaking point, playing the role of the country's greatest traitor to eventually expose the truth of the greatest global conspiracy ever seen. His road to hell was paved with the best of intentions, but also the bodies of millions.
2. The Joker. DC Comics. The Clown Prince of Crime has a sick charisma that no fan can resist. He's a raving lunatic, or is he? Genius or Madman or both, the Joker has been on more top villains lists than just about anyone. He's funny, terrifying, alluring and repulsive. And the last few years have seen his most dramatic reinventions yet. The Dark Knight showed us the darkest, most terrifying version ever to grace the screen. Arkham Asylum gave us the sinister voice in the back of our heads, spinning little webs of doubt and at one point, even putting a bullet in our skulls. The Joker challenge maps on PS3 were challenging and suitably vicious, satisfying a longtime desire to don the purple suit ourselves. Then in Lego Batman, he was made of Lego! Automatic win. Being a lego villain means you've REALLY made it. Speaking of...
1. Darth Vader: Star Wars. Whatever you know about my movie predilections, there is no denying that Vader is the ultimate badass. I don't need to use this space to convince you. You already knew who this was going to be. He's awesome in Lego, sure. And yeah, you could play as Anakin in several games over the last few years. But all that was just the appetizer to the opening level of Star Wars: The Force Unleashed.
Say what you will about the game, you cannot complain about the first level. The man stalks coolly amid the treetop village on Kashyyyk, flinging Wookiees into the distance. The low, ominous drone that resonates in every nerd's head for their entire life fills your speakers as you march, emotionless, to the lair of your quarry. It's 20 minutes of dream come true. We need more games where you get to play as Vader.
Choose Your Own Adventure.
So today I downloaded the demo for Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days, the sequel to a game I have to say I cannot stand. This one takes the duo to Shanghai and lets you play as Lynch (the crazy guy with the skullet) instead of Kane (the balding guy with one working eye). while the gameplay is significantly better (I daresay even GOOD), the video streaming look is novel and well implemented, the framerate well more than solid, and the controls are drastically improved, I still don't like it. While I was playing it I couldn't quite put my finger on it, after getting about halfway through it hit me: I don't want to play as either one of these guys.
They seriously look like homeless guys.
It got me thinking about the concept of assuming the role of character in a video game alltogether. Yes sometimes you want to be a hero, other times it's fun to play the villian, but is it ever enjoyable to play a game as a character that is just plain unlikable?
I really don't think it is, and here's why:
Video games are a lot of things to a lot of people, but two universal themes seem to be escapism and fantasy. To go off and do this stuff that you cannot do in real life, as someone who has skills that you do not have. Now, a lot can be said for creating your own character (Mass Effect, etc), but that's not what I'm here to talk about. Specifically in games where you are dropped into the life of a character of the developer's creation (or license), you are asked consciously or not, to develop an emotional connection to your hero. That is something fundamental that I don't think people examine enough.
Gears of War: You want Marcus and Dom to wipe those damn locusts off the face of Sera and find Maria. Red Dead Redemption: You have to want John Marston to clear his name and be reunited with his family. Hell, even Street Fighter, you have a favorite character and you get a little rush when you win with said character. You can even throw sports in there. If you are in Louisiana and you play Madden 11 as the New Orleans Saints and win the Super Bowl, you will be stoked, because you love that team. Even when the character's not necessarily a nice guy, there has to be something to draw you to that character like incredible powers or something. Kratos seems to fit there. In short, you need to like your character, or he/she has to at least be a complete badass.
And that's my problem with Kane and Lynch. Not only are neither of the characters even remotely likable, you can't even relate to them. Unless you're a criminal, in which case you have more important things to do than playing video games, like running from the cops. Also, who wants to be those guys? A crazy guy with a skullet and a beer gut, or a failed father with bald spot and glass eye. No thank you. It's not like they have some sort of super powers or anything, they just shoot guns. I can find ten games where you just shoot guns with better characters than these two hillbillies right now, and I wouldn't even have to leave my apartment.
The character you play as in a game holds more power than you might think. Tomb Raider would not be a household name if Lara Croft was Larry Croft. At the time when the series released there were no female gaming icons. (Before anyone goes crazy Samus Aran wears a helmet, and the general population doesn't even know who that is.) Lara was gaming's first "sex symbol" as much as I hate that term.
Devil May Cry is an awesome game, but Dante's personality adds a lot. Same with Uncharted. you just LIKE Nathan Drake. It swings both ways, too. Assassin's Creed 2 was leaps and bounds better than it's predecessor, but one overlooked factor was that Ezio was just a way better character than Altair.
I guess what it boils down to is that when I can play games as Master Chief, Marcus Fenix, Dante, Batman, Solid Snake, Ryu Hayabusa, Samus Aran, Lara Croft, Spider-Man, Wolverine, Harry Potter, Darth Vader, Nathan Drake, Ezio Auditore, Soap McTavish, or Kratos, why on earth would I even be remotely interested in playing as Kane or Lynch? What are they really bringing to the table besides the view from a trailer park? Nothing. And that's a shame, because this time around it doesn't look like they're in a bad game at all.
They seriously look like homeless guys.
Choose Your Own Adventure.
So today I downloaded the demo for Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days, the sequel to a game I have to say I cannot stand. While the gameplay is significantly better (I daresay even GOOD), the video streaming look is novel and well implemented, the framerate well more than solid, and the controls are drastically improved, I still don't like it. While I was playing it I couldn't quite put my finger on it, after getting about halfway through it hit me: I don't want to play as either one of these guys.
My Summer of DLC
Singularity was the last retail release I played. I liked it well enough, and it wasn't even on my radar to give a try, but I played it and it was okay.
The next retail game that's a definite on my list (even if just for the campaign and a little content creation) is Halo: Reach. There are a few things here and there that I'm fairly interested in. Mafia II (losing interest with time), Metroid: Other M (really iffy about the presentation of that one), and Spiderman: Shattered Dimensions (probably a three day distraction.)
No, the retail space is not in the forefront for me for the next couple of months. What has my attention are the digital marketplaces. Downloadable games and add ons are keeping my consoles warm now, and will be for a while.
Deathspank. From the mind of Ron Gilbert, the evil genius behind the Monkey Island series, is a fun and oft funny action RPG that's a blend of Fable II's rhythm inspired combat and the now ubiquitous quest-giver model made so popular in games like Diablo. Deathspank himself, voiced by Michael Dobson, gives over the top but completely straight faced readings of some utterly ridiculous lines that make it all the funnier. The game is BIG for a 10 dollar download, and the funny almost never stops. Completely worth it.
Limbo. Only halfway through this one, so no review, just some impressions. I won't go too deep into this one, just to say that the visual style, ambient "music" and truly disturbing animations make this tale of a young boy's travel through a savage world trying to kill him at every turn a haunting and immersing world that you will be glued to. Also of note is that there's not a line of dialog or a scrap of exposition in the entire game. 15 dollars seems a little steep at this point, but I'm getting quite a bit of enjoyment from it.
Hydro Thunder Hurricane. Hydro. Thunder. Go play it.
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Due out on PSN August 10th, Xbox Live Arcade August 25th for 10 bucks. The game is brought to us by the insanely talented animator Paul Robertson. Go watch Pirate Baby Cabana Battle Street Fight 2006 and Kings of Power 4billion% to see for yourself. Based of course on the graphic novel series and movie of the same name, the game is an old school beat em up in the vein of streets of rage or teenage mutant ninja turtles: turtles in time. Super excited for this one.
Also picked up The Secret Armory of General Knoxx for Borderlands while it was half off, so I'm definitely looking forward to securing a copy of the game to have a few more hours of fun with it.
Long and short, I'll be spending a lot less money and swapping a lot fewer discs this summer, and it really looks like fun.
The next retail game that's a definite on my list (even if just for the campaign and a little content creation) is Halo: Reach. There are a few things here and there that I'm fairly interested in. Mafia II (losing interest with time), Metroid: Other M (really iffy about the presentation of that one), and Spiderman: Shattered Dimensions (probably a three day distraction.)
No, the retail space is not in the forefront for me for the next couple of months. What has my attention are the digital marketplaces. Downloadable games and add ons are keeping my consoles warm now, and will be for a while.
Deathspank. From the mind of Ron Gilbert, the evil genius behind the Monkey Island series, is a fun and oft funny action RPG that's a blend of Fable II's rhythm inspired combat and the now ubiquitous quest-giver model made so popular in games like Diablo. Deathspank himself, voiced by Michael Dobson, gives over the top but completely straight faced readings of some utterly ridiculous lines that make it all the funnier. The game is BIG for a 10 dollar download, and the funny almost never stops. Completely worth it.
Limbo. Only halfway through this one, so no review, just some impressions. I won't go too deep into this one, just to say that the visual style, ambient "music" and truly disturbing animations make this tale of a young boy's travel through a savage world trying to kill him at every turn a haunting and immersing world that you will be glued to. Also of note is that there's not a line of dialog or a scrap of exposition in the entire game. 15 dollars seems a little steep at this point, but I'm getting quite a bit of enjoyment from it.
Hydro Thunder Hurricane. Hydro. Thunder. Go play it.
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Due out on PSN August 10th, Xbox Live Arcade August 25th for 10 bucks. The game is brought to us by the insanely talented animator Paul Robertson. Go watch Pirate Baby Cabana Battle Street Fight 2006 and Kings of Power 4billion% to see for yourself. Based of course on the graphic novel series and movie of the same name, the game is an old school beat em up in the vein of streets of rage or teenage mutant ninja turtles: turtles in time. Super excited for this one.
Also picked up The Secret Armory of General Knoxx for Borderlands while it was half off, so I'm definitely looking forward to securing a copy of the game to have a few more hours of fun with it.
Long and short, I'll be spending a lot less money and swapping a lot fewer discs this summer, and it really looks like fun.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
You will never be this cool.
After careful consideration, here is my list of the top ten list of the coolest dudes ever.
10. Black Dynamite-Uh, his fucking name is BLACK DYNAMITE.
Quote: "Donuts don't wear alligator shoes"
9. John McLain-While trying to take out a bunch of german terrorists, he coins the greatest catchphrase ever.
Quote: "Yippie-kai-yay, motherfucker"
8. Indiana Jones-Why sword fight a guy when you can just shoot him?
Quote: "You wanna talk to God? Let's go see him. I've got nothing better to do"
7.Mr Blonde-Cutting a dude's ear off while dancing to some 70's tune makes you pretty damn cool.
Quote "You gonna bark all day little doggy?"
6. John Shaft-His theme song is the thing Isaac Hayes is known for. Besides fucking Chef. That's pretty damn cool.
Quote: just about the whole damn song.
5. Tony Stark-Well to start with, HE'S IRON MAN. Secondly he gets to get with super hot ladies, boss Gweneth Paltrow around, plus he fought the dude and won.
4. Jack Sparrow-Like POTC or not, Jack Sparrow is cool as hell. Stole a ship from the British Royal Navy by making them chase the OTHER ship he stole.
Quote:"Will you tell me something? Have you come because you need my help to save a certain distressing damsel? Er... rather damsel in distress? Either one."
3. Bruce Wayne: HE'S BATMAN. NEXT.
Quote: too many to choose from, but currently resting at "I'm the goddamn batman"
2. Jules Winnfield-Amongst all the cool ass stuff he did in Pulp Fiction, I'm gonna choose the fact that he made a dude look like a bitch and made the dude's woman just about piss herself and cry WHILE THEY WERE ROBBING HIM.
Quote "I'm a mushroom cloud laying muthafucka, muthafucka!"
1. Han Solo-You've been captured. All of your friends may be dead soon. You are about to frozen and handed off as a trophy. You may not survive the freezing process. Your old friend double crossed you. The entire galaxy is in trouble. The woman you love (who you could very likely never see again) looks at you with her big brown eyes all full of hope, sorrow, and longing and says as if this his her ;last shot at it "I LOVE YOU!" Your response? As badass as you can muster "I know." HO. LEE. SHIT.
Quote: uh, the above mentioned "I KNOW".
Now this is a list of cool ass dudes. Not super badass motherfuckers, hence the omission of chuck norris and mr. t. Although that list would be similar. Besides Chuck Norris and Mr. T. refuse to be on any list except the list of shit that's better than everything else EVER. They're the only two things on that list, btw.
1. Han Solo
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Nolan North: We Love You, But You Need To Go The Fuck Home.
Nolan North made a name for himself as Nathan Drake in Uncharted: Drake's Fortune on the PS3.
He has a brilliant pulp-action movie quality to his voice, allowing him equal believability as everyman and dashing rogue. He's the voice-over equivalent of Firefly's Nathan Fillion.
Mr. North put forth a masterful, emotional, funny performance in Uncharted, and left me excited to experience more of his work...
I'm good now, Nolan.
Here we are, two and some change years later, and he plays just about everyone. Here's a list of the places I've picked up his voice.
I've done no research, these are just the roles I have personally experienced.
Uncharted/Uncharted 2 - Nathan Drake
Prince of Persia - The Prince
Assassin's Creed/Assassin's Creed 2 - Desmond
Shadow Complex - Jason Flemming
Halo 3:ODST - Romeo
Army of Two: the 40th Day: Salem
Dark Void: Will
Bayonetta - Bayonetta
Okay, I made that last one up.
The problem is that in all of these roles, he sounds the same. Maybe a gruff undertone here or the higher pitched illusion of youth there, but the result is a lack of individual identity to differetiate the characters.
It's like when people talk about Schwarzenegger movies from the 80s. We don't describe the characters by their names, we call them all Arnold. Shit, I honestly don't remember the characters' names from most of his movies. I remember Schaefer. And Quaid. It's getting that way with Nolan North to me.
He's the new bloom lighting.
Okay, I just looked him up and discovered that he also played Sigmund in Ratchet and Clank: A Crack in Time. I had no idea! You CAN do other voices, Nolan!
Mr. North has become a gaming icon, and good for him! But for god's sake, casting directors, let the man go home and get some sleep.
He has a brilliant pulp-action movie quality to his voice, allowing him equal believability as everyman and dashing rogue. He's the voice-over equivalent of Firefly's Nathan Fillion.
Mr. North put forth a masterful, emotional, funny performance in Uncharted, and left me excited to experience more of his work...
I'm good now, Nolan.
Here we are, two and some change years later, and he plays just about everyone. Here's a list of the places I've picked up his voice.
I've done no research, these are just the roles I have personally experienced.
Uncharted/Uncharted 2 - Nathan Drake
Prince of Persia - The Prince
Assassin's Creed/Assassin's Creed 2 - Desmond
Shadow Complex - Jason Flemming
Halo 3:ODST - Romeo
Army of Two: the 40th Day: Salem
Dark Void: Will
Bayonetta - Bayonetta
Okay, I made that last one up.
The problem is that in all of these roles, he sounds the same. Maybe a gruff undertone here or the higher pitched illusion of youth there, but the result is a lack of individual identity to differetiate the characters.
It's like when people talk about Schwarzenegger movies from the 80s. We don't describe the characters by their names, we call them all Arnold. Shit, I honestly don't remember the characters' names from most of his movies. I remember Schaefer. And Quaid. It's getting that way with Nolan North to me.
He's the new bloom lighting.
Okay, I just looked him up and discovered that he also played Sigmund in Ratchet and Clank: A Crack in Time. I had no idea! You CAN do other voices, Nolan!
Mr. North has become a gaming icon, and good for him! But for god's sake, casting directors, let the man go home and get some sleep.
Star Trek: Online Beta Impressions
Today, I will explore strange new worlds, and boldly go wh... Nevermind. Servers don't work.
Wolverine: Old Man Logan Review
WOLVERINE: OLD MAN LOGAN
Written By Mark Millar
Pencils by Steve McNiven
The creative team behind Civil War have brought us a new Wolverine story. Set in a "what if?"style future setting, Old Man Logan assumes that the villians of the Marvel universe got organized enough to take down its heroes. Sending the world (or at least the US) into a Mad Max/Fallout/Borderlands style post-apocalypse, new -wild-west type setting. Logan has been living a simple life as a farmer with his wife and kids and, for reasons not explained for a while, is now a pacifist. The country has been divided into 5 or 6 sectors governed over by a villian. Logan's behind on his rent and is visit by his landlords, The inbred, redneck offspring of the Incredible Hulk (yes you read that correctly), who are none to happy about the lack of rent monies. Shortly thereafter, Logan is visited by a blind, old Hawkeye (who somehow is now channeling Tommy Chong), and offered a chance to make that money and then some. Go with him on a cross country trip to drop off a package. Adventure, hilarity, and badassery ensues.
The thing I liked the best about this book is how absurd it can be at times, like the aforementioned redneck hulklings. Millar definately has no qualms about playing around with his characters. The venom symbiote fuses with a goddamn T-REX at one point, which could be the coolest thing ever! The book is full of these little WTF moments, and I can't really talk about all of them without totally blowing the story. The casting of Logan as basically Clint Eastwood's character from Unforgiven is genius. It begs the question "what could happen to make the worlds baddest-ass badass become a farmer who hasn't popped his claws in 50 years?", and the when that question is answered, wow, all I can say is be prepared. This feels a little closer to Kick-Ass or Wanted than Millar's Marvel work, and I'd say that was the right decision. He's really written something special here, and it certainly doesn't hurt that McNiven's in top form. The art in Old Man Logan is a fine progression from his already stellar work in Civil War. I will say this: as carefully as I can tread around spoiler territory, it needs to be said that the book is excessively violent at times, so if that's a problem for you, stay away, but if it is, you're probably not a Wolverine fan anyway.
Bottom line, read it. Whether you like comics or not.
This is NOT art.
It's that time again, and America's favorite indicator of everything wrong with the soulless-ass music industry is back. That's right, it's time for a new season of utter prepackaged CRAP passing for art on American Idol. The show and it's immense popularity disgusts me on so many levels there's not enough space on the internet to list all of them. As someone who appreciates music as art, and to whom playing music is a very important part of their life, the existence of Idol is borderline insulting.
"Hey kid, now that you have a tween demographic and soccer mom approved look and image, just bordering on barely edgy in some cases, here's a list of focus tested, market researched, formulaic pop songs for you to do karaoke to on an album. Now go make us rich."
You can't really be too mad at the contestants. Really all their doing is putting up with some bullshit to try and get a record deal, which is what any artist would do, to a certain extent. And I think the successful few have kind of disassociated themselves with it after the fact. My vitriol for Idol is for the people who think this is music or art, whether they be fans, or people involved with the show. American Idol is NOT art, it is NOT interesting and it is CERTAINLY not representative of real music, and it's shameful that it passes for all three. So without further ado, here's a list of ten highly unpleasant things I'd rather do than have anything to do with American Idol, in no particular order:
1. Watch old people get it on.
2. Get stung in the balls by a wasp.
3. Go to the DMV
4. Hang out with any socical class I generally feel is inferior to my own (hillbillies, ghetto, bro's.)for an hour
5. Get punched in the face.
6. Watch a romantic comedy (as long as it doesn't feature Cameron Diaz or Ashton Kutcher)
7. Give Sean Combs (I refuse to use any of his stupid nicknames) the time of day.
8. Listen to Kanye West speak for one minute.
9. Try to explain Watchmen to a redneck.
10. Cover myself in meat-stink and run through a crowd of emaciated coyotes.
"Hey kid, now that you have a tween demographic and soccer mom approved look and image, just bordering on barely edgy in some cases, here's a list of focus tested, market researched, formulaic pop songs for you to do karaoke to on an album. Now go make us rich."
You can't really be too mad at the contestants. Really all their doing is putting up with some bullshit to try and get a record deal, which is what any artist would do, to a certain extent. And I think the successful few have kind of disassociated themselves with it after the fact. My vitriol for Idol is for the people who think this is music or art, whether they be fans, or people involved with the show. American Idol is NOT art, it is NOT interesting and it is CERTAINLY not representative of real music, and it's shameful that it passes for all three. So without further ado, here's a list of ten highly unpleasant things I'd rather do than have anything to do with American Idol, in no particular order:
1. Watch old people get it on.
2. Get stung in the balls by a wasp.
3. Go to the DMV
4. Hang out with any socical class I generally feel is inferior to my own (hillbillies, ghetto, bro's.)for an hour
5. Get punched in the face.
6. Watch a romantic comedy (as long as it doesn't feature Cameron Diaz or Ashton Kutcher)
7. Give Sean Combs (I refuse to use any of his stupid nicknames) the time of day.
8. Listen to Kanye West speak for one minute.
9. Try to explain Watchmen to a redneck.
10. Cover myself in meat-stink and run through a crowd of emaciated coyotes.
Monday, January 11, 2010
ZiG's Darksiders Review
Clif hates Joe Madureira, so I get the Darksiders review.
You'll have to ask Clif why this is so, because to hear him tell it is, as always, enthralling.
Darksiders is the first release from new developer Vigil Games, published by THQ. It is the story of War, first Horseman of the Apocalypse and patsy for the early end of creation. Blamed for kick-starting Armageddon before its time, War is given a single chance at redemption. He can go to Earth (after a century long time-out) and find exactly who is responsible and bring them to justice.
Derivation? Homage?
Both, sure. It doesn't matter how you say it, it's right. Darksiders borrows (steals, fine) from many that have come before it.
The overworld/dungeon structure is lifted straight from The Legend of Zelda. New weapons/tools are acquired mid-dungeon, then become the tool needed to conquer the dungeon's boss. Upon returning to the overworld, the new tool becomes the key to open the next dungeon, as well as collect the many chests and treasures hidden in the world.
Combat is strangely simple and complex at the same time. Sword combinations are handled exclusively with the X button (or Square), with modifications made by variations of timing, lock-on, or changes in direction. The complication lies in the lock-on and dodge buttons. Numerous times in combat, you'll find yourself holding the left trigger to lock on to the largest threat in the room (who's usually both sufficiently large and threatening), while also hovering extremely close to the right bumper to dodge frequently, all the while mixing it up with dash attacks and uppercut slashes and mixing it up with your scythe on the Y button. There are a lot of buttons used at the same time in this game. It's one of those things where, as long as you're engrossed in combat, it's second nature; but the second you stop to think about it, you're going to screw it up.
So here's what I loved:
I'm a voiceover fiend. Nothing gets me into a game more than a great voice track. This game nails it. War himself is voiced by Liam O'Brien, who is apparently well known from every anime ever. He does a great job conveying the anger and weariness of War. He sounds threatening and powerful, and some lines he delivers gave me chills (especially the game's last line of spoken dialogue).
Mark Hamill plays the ever-present Watcher, a spectre chained to War's soul and ready to break him at the slightest disobedience. This is a great character, and Mark plays him perfectly. The vocalization is very reminiscent of The Joker, but in a good way. The character really needed that sadistic, almost seductive lilt of that voice.
All the other performances are great, with standouts in the Demon Samael and a supporting character named Ulthaine. The voice acting is top notch and stands up to some of the biggest budget triple A titles available.
This game has color!
Post-apocalyptic games are grey and brown, right? Wrong. Darksiders features wildly differing locales ranging from destroyed cityscapes, vibrant forests, and wind-swept deserts. The coloring for these environments is vibrant and alive. Enemies pop against the backgrounds and distinguish themselves in the battles. The game is beautiful, and I'm pretty sure the character model for War has more colors than Fallout's entire palette.
Here's what I didn't love as much:
Get to it, already!
The first two thirds of the game are peppered sparsely with hints of story, most of it in snippets between clearing the dungeons of their bosses. But the final third pours the lion's share of the story on you all at once. I feel like the pacing could have been handled better; the conspiracy twists mean much more if they don't all happen within a half hour of each other. Also, for a game with as much powerful backstory as Darksiders has (hopefully explored in sequels and parallel media), you would expect to see more of it. I feel like there's so much still unsaid at the end. Things that should have been said.
Awesome Powerups! Nothing to use them on!
There's a lot of stuff to find in this game. There are numerous weapon enhancements to be found, including four "Legendary" enhancements. These four are well hidden, and will take a lot of exploration to find. Problem is, your first real chance to hunt them all down comes right before endgame. The most awesome of the powerups is split among ten chests hidden throughout the world (and beyond), and is really something to see. But by the time you get it, the ONLY thing left to do is fight the final boss and watch the credits. I don't really know how they would have done this any different, but there's no real incentive to comb through the world to find everything if there's nothing to use it on. I don't know how a new game + would have worked on Darksiders, but I bet it would've been fun.
If you like Zelda, if you like God of War, if you like Devil May Cry or Soul Reaver or even Rygar, you should take a crack at Darksiders. It's a good story wrapped in a great game. The game is charming and immersive and challenging and rewarding. For the first offering of the new year, I was not disappointed.
Darksiders was developed by Vigil Games and Published by THQ.
Played the Xbox360 version to completion and stuck around to polish off most collections. Aside from some screen tearing issues on Xbox, no significant differences between Xbox360 and PS3 versions.
You'll have to ask Clif why this is so, because to hear him tell it is, as always, enthralling.
Darksiders is the first release from new developer Vigil Games, published by THQ. It is the story of War, first Horseman of the Apocalypse and patsy for the early end of creation. Blamed for kick-starting Armageddon before its time, War is given a single chance at redemption. He can go to Earth (after a century long time-out) and find exactly who is responsible and bring them to justice.
Derivation? Homage?
Both, sure. It doesn't matter how you say it, it's right. Darksiders borrows (steals, fine) from many that have come before it.
The overworld/dungeon structure is lifted straight from The Legend of Zelda. New weapons/tools are acquired mid-dungeon, then become the tool needed to conquer the dungeon's boss. Upon returning to the overworld, the new tool becomes the key to open the next dungeon, as well as collect the many chests and treasures hidden in the world.
Combat is strangely simple and complex at the same time. Sword combinations are handled exclusively with the X button (or Square), with modifications made by variations of timing, lock-on, or changes in direction. The complication lies in the lock-on and dodge buttons. Numerous times in combat, you'll find yourself holding the left trigger to lock on to the largest threat in the room (who's usually both sufficiently large and threatening), while also hovering extremely close to the right bumper to dodge frequently, all the while mixing it up with dash attacks and uppercut slashes and mixing it up with your scythe on the Y button. There are a lot of buttons used at the same time in this game. It's one of those things where, as long as you're engrossed in combat, it's second nature; but the second you stop to think about it, you're going to screw it up.
So here's what I loved:
I'm a voiceover fiend. Nothing gets me into a game more than a great voice track. This game nails it. War himself is voiced by Liam O'Brien, who is apparently well known from every anime ever. He does a great job conveying the anger and weariness of War. He sounds threatening and powerful, and some lines he delivers gave me chills (especially the game's last line of spoken dialogue).
Mark Hamill plays the ever-present Watcher, a spectre chained to War's soul and ready to break him at the slightest disobedience. This is a great character, and Mark plays him perfectly. The vocalization is very reminiscent of The Joker, but in a good way. The character really needed that sadistic, almost seductive lilt of that voice.
All the other performances are great, with standouts in the Demon Samael and a supporting character named Ulthaine. The voice acting is top notch and stands up to some of the biggest budget triple A titles available.
This game has color!
Post-apocalyptic games are grey and brown, right? Wrong. Darksiders features wildly differing locales ranging from destroyed cityscapes, vibrant forests, and wind-swept deserts. The coloring for these environments is vibrant and alive. Enemies pop against the backgrounds and distinguish themselves in the battles. The game is beautiful, and I'm pretty sure the character model for War has more colors than Fallout's entire palette.
Here's what I didn't love as much:
Get to it, already!
The first two thirds of the game are peppered sparsely with hints of story, most of it in snippets between clearing the dungeons of their bosses. But the final third pours the lion's share of the story on you all at once. I feel like the pacing could have been handled better; the conspiracy twists mean much more if they don't all happen within a half hour of each other. Also, for a game with as much powerful backstory as Darksiders has (hopefully explored in sequels and parallel media), you would expect to see more of it. I feel like there's so much still unsaid at the end. Things that should have been said.
Awesome Powerups! Nothing to use them on!
There's a lot of stuff to find in this game. There are numerous weapon enhancements to be found, including four "Legendary" enhancements. These four are well hidden, and will take a lot of exploration to find. Problem is, your first real chance to hunt them all down comes right before endgame. The most awesome of the powerups is split among ten chests hidden throughout the world (and beyond), and is really something to see. But by the time you get it, the ONLY thing left to do is fight the final boss and watch the credits. I don't really know how they would have done this any different, but there's no real incentive to comb through the world to find everything if there's nothing to use it on. I don't know how a new game + would have worked on Darksiders, but I bet it would've been fun.
If you like Zelda, if you like God of War, if you like Devil May Cry or Soul Reaver or even Rygar, you should take a crack at Darksiders. It's a good story wrapped in a great game. The game is charming and immersive and challenging and rewarding. For the first offering of the new year, I was not disappointed.
Darksiders was developed by Vigil Games and Published by THQ.
Played the Xbox360 version to completion and stuck around to polish off most collections. Aside from some screen tearing issues on Xbox, no significant differences between Xbox360 and PS3 versions.
Greetings from a guest contributor.
Clif gave me a set of keys to the blog for some contribution of either things he doesn't care about or things he doesn't get time to cover.
Look for some impressions of Bayonetta and Darksiders soon, as well as some tv and DVD coverage. Also lots and lots of ranting.
ZiG
Look for some impressions of Bayonetta and Darksiders soon, as well as some tv and DVD coverage. Also lots and lots of ranting.
ZiG
Friday, January 1, 2010
COBRASHARK's Best of 2009
- With 2009; the year of death officially closed, it's time to think back on all the prolific and influential artists that were taken from us this year. But more importantly, it's time for COBRASHARK's Top 5 of 2009. So let's do that now. Discuss.
5. Assassin' Creed II
For me, this basically came out of nowhere, since I didn't really have a lot of love for the first Assassin's Creed. I did recognize that it was a very unique concept, but felt it really needed a lot of polish and direction. Thankfully, it got exactly what it needed. With it's one of kind, high concept, story driven gameplay and very detailed world, Assassin's Creed II is good enough for the 5th spot. Excellent game.
4: Borderlands
4: BorderlandsBorderlands came out of left field and surprised both shooter fans and RPG fans, which I am both of so it's a pretty sweet deal. With a unique art style and personality it stands out from the pack in both categories it serves and the DLC support has so far been excellent. Buy it.
3. Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
Uncharted 2 is one of those rare games that does everything it sets out to do exactly right. It's basically a playable Indiana Jones movie, and come to think of it, is way better than the last Indiana Jones movie anyway. The story is well written and even better acted thanks in no small part to some excellent voice and performance capture work. Nolan North (Nathan Drake) and Emily Rosen (Elena Fisher) were robbed at the fake ass VGAs. There's not a blemish to be found on the gameplay, either. Uncharted also sports what may be the best graphics in any console game yet. Games are supposed to be fun and Uncharted 2 was one of the most fun games all year. A must have for any PS3 owner.
2. Street Fighter IVOf all five games on this list that made it over Modern Warfare 2 I think this one will bring the most controversy. But it's my list, so suck it. Street Fighter's gameplay was damn near perfect anyway, and IV just brought it that much closer. Basically you take the game that created the entire fighting game genre (Street Fighter II for you heathens) and make it better in every way. This is the way to revisit a classic. Take note, other studios who've tried this. Yoshinori Ono and Seth Killian & Co. just showed you what's up. Here's the perfect example of SFIV's brilliance. I have a friend I've known since junior high. We used to have some epic SFII sessions back in the SNES days, sometimes Ryu vs Guile matches over and over again all damn day. We haven't seen each other in 12 years and we both recently moved back to our home town, and started hanging out again Immediately. He hasn't really been into games at all since we parted ways, but we fired up IV and it was just like the old days. Those same epic matches all day again, but with a whole new set of mechanics laid on top. And we're hooked all over again.
1. Batman: Arkham Asylum
Read my full review here. Basically, Batman gets everything right, too. Combat's awesome, exploration is awesome, Story, graphics, mood, and atmosphere are all awesome. You guessed it everything about the game is awesome. Arkham features the best translation of a super hero to a game ever done. Rocksteady really did their homework about what makes Batman cool and managed to get ALL of it into the game. The amount of fan service crammed into this game on top of all it's kickass gameplay is astounding as well. Tons of nods to various characters that aren't even in the game, even sort of a playable "origin of Batman" moment that will blow you away. The scarecrow bits are some of the best design in gaming ever in the way that they're presented. Batman fans and gamers can both rejoice in the fact that this game was made. This was my favorite game of 2009 hands down. Well played, Rocksteady.
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