My take on the VGA's (get out the Kevlar)

Every year Spike TV does their Video Game Awards, which to me is like someone like me choosing the winners for the VH1 Hip Hop Honors or the ESPN awards. I'm not qualified, and apparently neither are they. I know the VGA's use a panel of gaming journalists ranging from Magazine editors (Game Informer) to bloggers (Giant Bomb's Jeff Gerstmann), to various other industry types, but somewhere along the way Spike's MMA and Maxim fueled alpha-bros must take over because there is some serious idiocy going on in this list of winners. Like anyone's shocked by that.

So without further ado, here's COBRASHARK's eviceration of the Spike TV Video Game Awards for the year of our Thor 2009.

Game of the Year: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves-I pretty much can't argue with this.Uncharted totally deserves this (although I would have said Borderlands or Batman).Not a good start to an eviceration, I must say...

Studio of the Year: Rocksteady Studios-How can a studio who did not produce the game of the year win Studio of the Year. I honestly don't get it. I'm totally happy for them, as they made Batman: Arkham Asylum, and the strength of that game alone won them this award. BUT I still don't get how they won it, at least without Batman winning Game of the Year (which it arguably should have.). Incidentally typing a long, hopefully well thought out blog after a few Jack and Cokes is HARD.

Best Shooter: Modern Warfare 2-No surprise here, except that Spike didn't cave to Activision's mighty, evil will and give this GOTY. Fuck you, Bobby Kotick. I had to get that in somewhere.There really isn't a straight up shooter that deserves this more this year, Congrats Infinity Ward. (Especially Justin Harris for doing an amazing job in the QA, there's not a bug on that game!)

Best RPG: Dragon Age Origins-I can't complain about this too much, although being a shooter/RPG hybrid Borderlands got robbed in two catagories. DA:O is incredibly good, and luckily for it Final Fantasy XIII and Mass Effect 2 come out next year.

Best Fighting Game: Street Fighter IV-Way to not fuck this up, Spike. If Tekken 6 or some other trash won this I'd be laughing my ass off at your ineptitude. Street Fighter IV wins everything in my book.

Best Action Adventure Game: Assassin's Creed II-gotta say I liked AC2. But again, this should be Batman's award. AC2 still has too many of AC1's problems to earn this award, and the graphics can be atrocious in spots.

Best "Individual" Sports Game: UFC 2009: This is what happens when Dana White (head of UFC) throws a temper tantrum. That game was garbage in every single way, but since UFC is so popular with the frats (who watch nothing but Spike and gay porn), it won over the more deserving Fight Night Round 4 or Tiger Woods 10. Suck it, MMA.

Best Handheld Game: Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars-being that these awards where conducted in the house that douche built, I couldn't see this going any other way. There were many more handheld games released in 2009 that should have won this in any catagory. Like say, Little Big Planet PSP. I actually thought Chinatown Wars kind of sucked, thanks to the technical limitations of the DS and the gimmicky touch controls, but hey Spike, I don't wear tapout gear, so what do I know.

Best Graphics; Uncharted 2: Among Thieves-Again, much respect to Naughty Dog and Uncharted 2, they totally deserved this one. That game is a beast in every way.

Best Music Game: The Beatles Rock Band-Oh please, like this was gonna go any other way. Guitar Hero sucks ass, so do Band Hero and that lameass DJ Hero (has there ever been a more pointless game?). Hey Neversoft: Harmonix just showed you how to do a band specific music game tastefully and respectfully. Take note.

Best Driving Game: Forza 3-Can't argue here, but seriously, it was up against Need For Speed: Shift. That's like winning a footrace against a one legged hunchback.

Best Team Sports: NHL 2010-Glad Madden didn't get it, but sort of shocked that FIFA 10 got left out in the cold on this one. Everyone says it's Game of the Year material, and I'm inclined to believe it.

Best Soundtrack: DJ Hero-FUCKING SERIOUSLY. a bunch of lazy ass mashups of crap ass pop songs in a DJ music game beat the well crafted, carefully chosen, and very appropriate BRUTAL LEGEND soundtrack?!?!? Fuck you with a chainsaw, Spike TV. I get that classic metal isn't the thing right now with the Affliction wearing, Rob Dyrdeck obsessed masses, but seriously, a world where Brutal Legend, a game that is basically filled to the brim with love of music, loses out to a quick cash grab attempt to make hip hop fans feel invited to the music game party is a world full of dickheads. So thanks.

Best Xbox 360 Game: Left 4 Dead 2-While personally don't like L4D (or valve software for that matter), I can see why this won. There were no other 360 exclusives that could come close. Yeah, like ODST was gonna win anything.

Best Wii Game: New Super Mario Bros-Well of course. It was the only Wii game this year besides Muramasa that wasn't a bag of ass, and most people at Spike couldn't pronounce Muramasa much less know what it is, so SMB wins by default. Congrats on remaking the same damn game again, Nintendo.

Best PS3 Game: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves-ONCE AGAIN, no surprise and this was well deserved. Naughty Dog is on a roll.

Best PC Game: Dragon Age: Origins- Not a lot of competition here, and I'm pretty sure all people on PC do is play WoW and bitch about dedicated servers, but congrats anyway!

Best Original Score: Halo 3:ODST- Makes sense, Halo always has awesome music.

Best Multiplayer Game: Modern Warfare 2- No shocker here, but once again, Borderlands was ROBBED. Modern Warfare 2's MP is great and all, but it's basically just MW1's (love how that's what it's called now instead of Call of Duty 4. It's like we're ignoring the WWII ones, as we should) over again. Borderlands is something new and something special. But it doesn't let you totally pwn n00bz so why would anyone at Spike care??

Best Game Based on a TV Show Or Movie: This catagory should not exist.

Best Cast; X-Men Origin: Wolverine- REALLY. Sooo.....the shitty God of War rip off with only one person from the film phoning in a lame "I don't care" performance beats Batman: Arkham Asylum, in which the entire voice cast from the 90's animated series, considered by some to be the definitive performances of those characters, returns to knock it out of the fucking park and Uncharted 2, which could damn near BE a movie itself. Go fuck yourself, Spike. That's bullshit. How much did Fox and Activision pay you for that one?

Best Performance By a Human Male: Hugh Jackman as Logan, X-Men Origins: Wolverine-As this does not say "Mark Hamill (The Joker), Batman: Arkham Asylum or Nolan North (Nathan Drake; Uncharted 2: Among Thieves,", we'll just repeat what I said above. Although I would like to add that Spike, Activision and Fox can SUCK IT. Seriously, Uncharted and Batman had WAAAAAY better voice work than Wolverine in every category. this is a serious rip off. Mark Hamill should have won this, hands down. Not only was his Joker performance the best voice in a game this year , it was his best performance as The Joker to date (Mask of the Phantasm not withstanding)

Best Performance by a Human Female: Megan Fox and Mikaela Banes, Transformers 2- Not only is this the only acting award Megan Fox or the Transformers series will ever win, it's a serious insult to any of the voice actresses in Batman, Uncharted, Dragon Age, Assassin's Creed, or any other well designed and acted game to come out in 2009. Hell, even Street Fighter IV has better voice acting than Megan Fox did in that stupid TF game, and all those chick do is grunt and yell the names of their special moves. I'd like to submit Kristen Bell from Assassin's Creed 2, Arleen Sorkin from Batman: Arkham Asylum and Emily Rose from Uncharted 2 as people who deserve a shot at beating Megan Fox's ass. Pretty sure the reason they all lost to her is that they don't look like strippers.

Best Voice: Jack Black as Eddie Riggs in Brutal Legend: The Metal Gods are pleased with this.

Best Downloadable Game: Shadow Complex- Of course. When you mix Metroid and Metal Gear you should win everything. Not even kidding, congrats to Chair for this win.

Best Comedy Game: Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard-As a Will Arnett and NPH fan (they voice the two main characters) I'm totally fine with this one one hand. On the other hand, it was a shit game that shouln't win any "Best" awards. And Brutal Legend was better and funnier.

Best DLC: Grand Theft Auto: The Ballad of Gay Tony-eh, I can give them this one too, but I think the Fallout Expansions were DLC for a better game, so shouldn't that count for something?

Best Independent Game FUELED BY DEW!!!!(gotta love Spike TV's dedication to the extreme sports crowd): FLOWer-huh? Not even the overly pretentions BRAID for this one??

Most Anticipated Game: God of War III-I can get behind this one. God of War rules.

All in all, a lot of stuff I could agree with, but the things I see as mistakes were not only huge but incredibly insulting in some cases and inconsistent over all. Once again, the VGA's fail to make an impact or gain any credibillty whatsoever. Spike, just let this show tap out, bruh.

Pre Holiday Checklist; or I'm really behind here.

Wow, it's been far too long since I've posted anything here, so forgive me. I've been far too busy playing with, watching, and listening to the things I talk about here to actually get on here and talk about them.

I've decided that since I'm so behind, I'm going to throw out some quick recommendations and a cautionary tale or two.

Movies:

Go see Zombieland if you haven't already, it's completely awesome.

Music:

I have two albums to recommend right now, which are as follows:

AFI-Crash Love:

As usual, it's a dramatic departure from what they've done previously, but the songs are tighter, they've all progressed as individual performers and as a band.Overall the album is less grand in scope and far less aggressive, but I enjoyed it quite a lot. Standout tracks: End Transmission, Veronica Sawyer Smokes, Too Shy To Scream, I'm Trying Very Hard To Be Here, Sacrilege, and Medicate.

The Lonely Island-Incredibad

I don't like rap or hip hop (at all), but this is worth it. If you don't know, it's Andy Samberg and Jorma Taconne from SNL's album and it has everything you'd expect; Dick in a Box, Jizz in My Pants, Like A Boss, Natalie's Rap, etc. What's surprising is that the album while being really funny is also a great album as well, and this is coming from someone with whom hip hop always has an uphill battle, as I am predisposed to dismiss it right away. Get it.

Games:

Being that we're going into the holiday season there's a ton of stuff coming out so this will be very quick so I can cover a lot of ground:

Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2:

If you don't like Marvel Comics or didn't like the first one, there won't be much here for you to enjoy. Strictly a fan purchase only, but if you are a fan you'll really enjoy it. Gameplay is streamlined from the last one, so some of the more annoying issues are gone (you can now revive downed heroes on the spot and change party members any time being the main changes). Other than that the same Baldur's Gate/Diablo/Gauntlet gameplay remains in tact. The character roster is impressive and the trivia minigame is great for Marvel fans.

Halo 3 ODST:

Another case of fan only purchase. Not that much different from Halo 3, save that you have to play more strategically being that you're not a Spartan super solider, but a regular joe. Campaign mode is a bit short, but the firefight mode (think Gears 2's horde mode or Nazi Zombies from COD only better and with vehicles) makes it worth the purchase price alone. A second disc is included with all of Halo 3 Mulitplayer maps, but if you've never been a Halo, this will not change your mind.

Brutal Legend:

Gotta say I was slightly underwhelmed here one one hand. Campaign mode is VERY short and there's really not that much to do. Missions lack variety or any real depth. The real time strategy elements are FAR more prominent that initially thought. Having said that, everything else is completely awesome. The game is hilarious, well written and casted incredibly well. The world is very well designed and fun to explore and experience and Jack Black knocks it out of the park as Eddie Riggs. This game is a love letter to all things METAL, the soundtrack reigns supreme (except for the lack of Iron Maiden), and for whatever problems I may have with some of it, I still highly recommend this game. The metal gods command so.

Borderlands:

I'm completely loving this. Take Fallout 3, inject some personality, a combat system that works, and make it more fun. Add multiplayer. You now have Borderlands. Get 3 friends and go nuts. At it's core it's a first person shooter, but once you add the free roaming, dynamic random weapon generation, and RPG character advancement and skill trees, you get layers upon layers of depth that will continue to keep you interested. One of the best games of the season, if not the year.

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves:

As much as I'd love to say it's Batman: Arkham Asylum; Uncharted is the game of the year. There is absolutely nothing this game gets wrong. Exploration, action, puzzles, a better Indiana Jones story than the last Indiana Jones movie (with way better acting as well). The voice and motion capture performances here are seriously better than the majority of what hollywood is crapping out these days. Guys, that PS3 commercial where the girlfriend sits and watches the dude play Uncharted and thinks it's a movie is completely believable in the sense that the story, performances and pacing are that good. There will be games that sell more (Modern Warfare 2), but for my pick Uncharted 2 is the Game of the Year (so far, and sorry, Batman).

Ratchet and Clank Future: A Crack In Time:

The gaming equivalent of a Pixar movie. Kids will love the cartoonish style and silly characters, adults will love the solid-beyond-all-comprehension gameplay. This is the kind of game Nintendo should be making. It truly is for everyone. Platforming adventure mixed with action at it's finest.

Tekken 6:

Same thing it always is. If you liked Tekken or not before, this will not change it. I'd love to see this series evolve past it's PS1 roots in areas other than graphics. Gameplay is still button mash heavy. If you want real strategy and a fighter with some finesse, wait until March when Super Street Fighter 4 comes out. I'd pass on Tekken 6.

Madden 10, NCAA 10, FIFA 10, NBA Live 10, NBA 2k10:

Same as last year. If you liked it then, you'll like it again. Madden has apparently made marginal improvements, as has FIFA. NBA 2k10 is preferred over NBA Live yet again.

WWE Smackdown VS Raw 10:

yeah, bruh. Whatever. STILL can't get decent animation or collision detection here.

DJ Hero:

Whatever.

We still have some time left before Haunakwanzachrismakah, so check back for full reviews on some of the above mentioned titles as well as upcoming titles like:

Assassin's Creed II

Left 4 Dead 2

Dragon Age Origins

and if I feel like borrowing my sister's Wii New Super Mario Bros.

Also if anyone would be interested, I may do a fulll holiday buyer's guide. Let me know!

May ninjas slay your foes.

Batman: Arkham Asylum Review.

This is coming WAAAAY later than what I'd wanted.

I'd promised an AA review last week, after originally promising it by August 30th. Truth be told, I'm still playing the game.

Full disclosure: If there's anything I've loved longer and more intensely that video games and the metal, it's Batman. It's always been sort of bittersweet that we've never had a truly awesome Batman game. Well now we do.

Arkham Asylum puts you in the role of The Caped Crusader on one of the worst nights of his life. He must decend into the depths of the legendary madhouse home of all his worst enemies, to find out just why The Joker would willingly brought back. The storyline never truly develops past that, you're just chasing The Joker, but along the way You'll be in for some of the best gameplay this generation has to offer.

You'll stalk your enemies and take them out when the time is right, You'll feel like a group 20 unarmed henchmen can't stand in your way due to you considerable combat prowess, and arguably best of all, you'll get to use high tech gadgetry and world class detective skills to explore Arkham island and unearth it's secrets. In short, you get to do all the things that make Batman awesome.

The presentation is top notch, in particularly the graphics. Environments are moody and atmospheric, like some of the best Batman art brought to life. For serious Batman nerds, this feels like Tim Sale's version of Gotham and its Dark Knight. The only little quibble I'd have with the graphics are the odd physics anomalies that occur when you knock an enemy out from time to time a la Gears of War. Limbs tend to flop around, and there's some slight collision problems in combat. The music and sound are quite good as well. Eidos and Rocksteady were on the right track getting the main cast from the 90's animated series here, as they are the definitive versions of these characters to some. I'd say this is Mark Hamill's finest Joker performance to date (with the obvious exception of the amazing Mask of the Phantasm). The fourth wall breaking Scarecrow sections are some of the best sequences in recent gaming.

The story mode is long enough to keep serious players busy for a few long nights, more casual players will probably take a few weeks to a month. The real genius of Arkham is in the extras. Finding all of The Riddler's challenges varies from being simple fetch quests to using the right tool for the right job, to using Batman's (and by extension your own) detective skills. True Batman connessieurs will be completely wrapped up in the challenge modes, which task you with either stalking your enemies and using theirl own fear against them, or mercilessly beating the living crap out of a whole room full of guys. These will have you coming back for more and more of those "just one more time moments".

All in all there's no real blemishes on Batman: Arkham Asylum. Fantastic gameplay, and an epic presentation make it a must buy for any PS3 or Xbox 360 owner regardless of whether or not you're a Batman fan.

I'll give the PS3 version a slight edge on this one, sheerly because of the exclusive playable Joker content.

Side note: Eidos' decision to emblazon the front cover with a logo describing each retailer's exclusive content. It's not a sticker, it's printed on the cover, marring the presentation. Not a deal breaker by any means, but it is ugly. The quality of the content varies by retailer as well, but in Walmart's case isn't even really exclusive. It's an unlockable costume you get for beating the game anyway regardless of where you purchased it. It can only be used in challenge mode, and provides no gameplay advantage. Yet another reason to not buy from them. Gamestop and Best Buy faired better.

Batman: Arkham Asylum is developed by Rocksteady and published by Eidos and Warner Brothers Interactive. Played Playstation 3 version from start to finish completing 100% of the game. Differences with Xbox 360 version negligibe.

QUICK PICK:

Guitar Hero 5 is not terrible, and a step in the right direction from World Tour. Menus greatly improved, song list kind of baffling. Not much on there to get excited about, but musical taste is personal prefence. Recommended if you like music games.

The Beatles: Rock Band is the way band specific music games should be done. Someone else called in an "interactive documentary", and I think that's pretty accurate. Recommended for fans of music in general!

(where's my damn batmobile level, rocksteady? i know it wouldn't work in AA, but keep it in mind for the inevitable sequel!)

Coming Soon

Batman: Arkham Asylum review should be up in days. Thanks for checking.